Grumpy Old Git

In our species’ headlong rush to amuse itself to death, no form of entertainment is more loathsome than so-called “reality television,” an oxymoron populated by poxy morons. It started out innocuously enough with carefully chosen random people ad-libbing precisely written scripts as they pretended to be racing across the world or surviving on a desert...

Sales of cars in China grew from around 2 million in 2000 to over 20 million in 2013. The reason is simple: people hate busses, even Chinese people, for whom the bus has long been a faithful conveyor for themselves, their families, their chickens, their pigs. As soon as they get their hands on a...

For those of us who have already seen too many of them, the coming of another year can stir little enthusiasm. Every year I am invited to a New Year’s Eve party which turns into little more than an opportunity to watch people, old enough to behave better, drink themselves into an over-exuberance which involves...

This week I was planning to expound at length on the annoyingness of Christmas. How even a spot of routine shopping becomes a full-blown battle as you fight your way down aisles crowded with dithering wrinklies buying cheap Chinese rubbish for their ungrateful grandchildren. I was going to mention how the forced joviality, the relentless...

A friend who read my recent mumblings about the awfulness of winter suggested my attitude might improve if I found something enjoyable to do in this dreary season. He suggested skiing. Since I used to be rather good at that, I considered it a fine opportunity to impress some of today’s youth with some old-school...

Last week I had occasion to drive to the Fraser Valley, not long after a minor snowstorm. When I arrived I was inevitably asked “how were the roads?” “The roads were fine,” I replied. “It’s the idiots on them that make it difficult.” Here for your edification, and in the name of public safety, is...

WHEN I TOLD HIM MY MOTHER'S MAIDEN NAME, HE REPLIED, "I'M SORRY, THAT'S NOT CORRECT." Credit cards are a tool of the devil. Apart from buying things on the line (which strikes me as a particularly bad idea anyway) they serve no useful purpose whatsoever other than to borrow money at usurious rates of interest....

At the end of October I was reliably informed that the law now requires all males to grow a moustache in November, while the month itself has apparently been officially re-named by parliamentary decree to “Moevember,” “Moe” being a Japanese slang word for “adorably cute.” As one of Her Majesty’s most loyal subjects I have...

I have learned that the makers of a beverage called “Red Bull” (because it is red and is made with something called Taurine, which once came from the testes of bulls) have had to hand out rather a lot of money in $10 increments to their disgruntled customers. They need to compensate them because, contrary...

'I HAVE NO ISSUE WITH THE COLOUR OF THEIR SKIN; IN FACT I FIND THE PASTY WHITE NICELY OFFSETS THE BROWN OF THEIR TEETH WHEN THEY SNARL' I am not a racialist. Far from it: I am myself composed of many different and interesting colours. But I have to admit there is a race of...

The night of the year I dread most is almost upon us. The neighbourhood has been defaced by people using polystyrene and cotton wool to turn their yards into feeble approximations of graveyards. Wal-Mart plastic ghosts flap about in the wind. Perfectly edible vegetables are being wasted by being turned into ugly lanterns, only to...

A truly dreadful misfortune befell me this week. My radio broke. Expecting the usual insightful commentary from the hallowed halls of the CBC, (or what’s left of them following the ministrations of the odious Mr. Harper,) instead I heard only crackling static. Eventually I was able to tune in to one station. It was a...

Last weekend I drove several hundred kilometres down a gravel road. When the road ended I hiked for another day and a half into the woods. Finally I found the lost paradise I had been seeking: the little patch of province not polluted by municipal election signs. I have little patience with local politicians. Whichever...

Since we have been enjoying a First Nations summer, I decided to take advantage of the unseasonably clement weather and go for a walk in the woods. How pleasant it would be, I surmised, to admire the fall colours, smell the fresh mountain air, dangle a hand in a babbling stream, and savour the silence...

The diet police are at it again. For years these irritating busy-bodies have been spouting bossy nonsense about what we should or should not be eating or drinking, but recently their plethora of pronouncements has reached a new level of stupidity which can be summarized thus: Everything you like will kill you. Especially if they...

I do not understand why people keep small dogs. Big dogs are useful for pulling sleds, guarding junk yards, or extending the manhood of people who live in trailer parks and wear their hats backwards. But small dogs are utterly pointless. And revolting. I speak from experience. Recently a friend asked me to look after...

As I was sitting at a traffic light yesterday being gassed by the foul exhaust fumes from an enormous pick-up truck, it occurred to me what a ridiculous waste of space these things really are. There is no sane reason why men drive pick-up trucks (and they are almost always owned by men - if...

I’m not given to bleating on about “the good old days” but you have to admit, there are some things that were good before, and now they’re terrible. Here are a few that slapped me in the face recently: Power Outlets. You used to be able to put a plug in the socket either way...

Recently someone who doesn’t know me very well suggested we should play golf together. Apparently it’s obligatory when you live in an area of the country infested with golf courses. I must have had a few glasses of wine, because I agreed, despite never having played before. Once reminded of my obligation I thought I...

Computers are stupid. The simplest of tasks, tasks that they were specifically designed to perform, can befuddle them completely. Last night I tried printing something. It said it was printing. I waited in growing frustration while it didn’t print. I tried talking nicely to it. Nothing. Eventually one of those annoying little boxes popped up...

I have been going to pubs since before I was born. I like pubs, or at least I used to. But there has been a slow erosion of everything pubs stand for, which culminated this week in a catastrophic sign appearing outside my favourite local watering hole. It read: “New! Childrens Menu.” Given the missing...

Unfortunately our idyllic BC summer has yet again been spoiled by a nasty infestation of annoying pests. They are everywhere, buzzing around making everyone’s life a misery. No, not wasps. Not mosquitoes. Albertans. I have been considering what it is about them that raises my hackles. It’s not them being here that annoys me; since...

I am not a religious man. But I will admit, I am drawn by curiosity to those holy places where congregations gather for a daily ritual of feasting and communion. I’m talking of course, about Tim Horton’s. The last time I bought a cup of coffee was on a cold January morning in 1972. It...