YO MAMA: If toddlers did stand up comedy

OPINION

The scene: 12:30 p.m. on our way home from an energetic playgroup. Danger zone for the kid falling asleep in the car. My precious two hours of child-free time was at stake if he conked out now and woke up in the transfer to his crib.

“DON’T FALL ASLEEP BACK THERE,” I yelled, glancing in the rearview mirror.

It was perfectly silent in the back seat. No response from the kid.

“NOOOOO. ARE YOU SLEEPING???”

“Ya!” came a cheeky reply, followed by a giggle.

A classic example of toddler comedy: the Naughty Prank.

Small children truly have their own distinct sense of humour.

Because they are just learning how to be funny, the results are hyperbolically hilarious.

It’s fascinating to watch them hone their funny bone in the same way they develop other skills like climbing or using a fork: through plenty of repetition and experimenting. And there does seem to be some commonality in toddler humour, certain “jokes” they like to tell, or routines they latch onto at this age.

It all makes me imagine what a toddler’s stand up comedy routine might look like.

It would probably start with dropping something accidentally-on-purpose and exclaiming “oopsy!” over and over again until the crowd became bored and stopped clapping. Noticing the audience’s lack of enthusiasm, the toddler would then order everyone to clap — he might even demonstrate or simply clap for himself — for another 20 rounds of “oopsy.”

Next would be fart jokes and funny noises. He might take his pants off and run around the stage laughing hysterically and then pee on the floor.

Impersonations would follow, likely involving a barnyard display of aggressively loud moo-ing, baaah-ing, and quacking like a duck. Props might include such random items as dad’s underwear, a mixing bowl “hat” and oversized gloves.

Next up would be Riding Novelty Things: brooms, garden hoses, miniature animal figurines and bananas. 

An essential part of any toddler’s comedy routine is White Lie jokes. Usually, this involves taking something that is obviously true and turning it on its head, like saying he’s allowed to drive the car or that he’s a dinosaur. Who ate the cookie? The toy tractor, of course!

Next would be magic tricks: pulling his arm inside a sleeve and pretending it is missing, covering his eyes with his hands to “disappear” and making dinner vanish by throwing it on the floor. TA-DA! ALL GONE!

The finale would be falling down in dramatic fashion, repeatedly, and then demanding audience participation to follow along. Comedy loves company.

— Charlotte Helston gave birth to her first child, a rambunctious little boy, in the spring of 2021. Yo Mama is her weekly reflection on the wild, exhilarating, beautiful, messy, awe-inspiring journey of parenthood.

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