YO MAMA: Our family’s new seating arrangements, courtesy of my toddler

OPINION

It was a Sunday evening and the in-laws were over. We were all sitting in the living room, chatting and having tea. Our two-year-old son was playing on the floor with some wooden blocks.

My father-in-law was sitting comfortably in the old La-Z-Boy rocker when the kid suddenly walked up to him and grabbed his hand. Everyone said “awwwww” as my son pulled grandpa onto the floor and positioned him in front of the blocks. They all thought he was getting grandpa to come play with him. But I knew better.

As soon as grandpa was on the floor, the kid bolted over to the rocker and heaved himself onto it. He wiggled his little butt deep into the chair, placed his palms on the armrests, sat back comfortably, and let out a contented sigh.

My poor father-in-law sat dumbfounded on the floor, surrounded by blocks and wooden fruit, the victim of a fraud.

“Oh, gee, thanks buddy,” he said. “How’d you know I wanted to play with these blocks?”

Poor, sweet grandpa. Always the optimist.

My husband and I quickly explained that seating arrangements had become a thing lately — the latest in a series of weird and hilarious “phases”. Our son had developed some very strong opinions about where everyone sat. I was often told to move from the couch to the floor, and back to the couch, for no apparent reason, several times a day. Because he wasn’t talking in sentences yet, this was typically accomplished with pointing, or by taking my hand and leading me to my new spot. It was very businesslike.

Sometimes, I was ordered off the chair so that one of his stuffed animals could sit on it.

My husband was a prime target. Sometimes, that 34-year-old man was commanded to sit on the rocking horse. Other times, the potty.

For the most part, we found this obsession hysterical and usually complied with the kid’s demands. We got a kick out of it, and it seemed harmless.

Unless, of course, it was turning him into a tyrannical, egocentric control-freak…

We sure hoped not. Because it was really very funny and after punishing us with sleep deprivation he owed us this entertainment.

Several days after the in-laws were over, my husband and I were once again sitting in the living room while the kid played on the floor. Out of nowhere, the kid got up, marched over to Dad, took his hand, pulled him off the chair and led him to a distant corner of the carpet. He then scampered happily up onto the chair and started making monkey noises. My husband looked up at me with pleading eyes.

“Do I have to do what he says?” he asked.

I burst out laughing. It was one of those “how did we get here?” moments. We were letting a two-year-old order us around like complete morons.

“No. No you do not,” I said. “Just tell him no…”

And he did. That 34-year-old man picked himself up off the floor, looked his infant son in the eyes and said, “you give me my spot back.”

And you know what the kid did? He shrugged his little shoulders and scooched over a little. He patted the seat cushion and pointed at the vacant area with his chin. Once Dad was in position, he motioned for me to come and sit on top of them.

Oh gracious host. Oh generous dictator. How kind and compassionate thou art.

He hadn’t given the spot up. But he hadn’t completely disobeyed us either. He’d made a compromise.

At least it was a seating arrangement we could all agree on.

— Charlotte Helston gave birth to her first child, a rambunctious little boy, in the spring of 2021. Yo Mama is her weekly reflection on the wild, exhilarating, beautiful, messy, awe-inspiring journey of parenthood.

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