YO MAMA: Infant fashion vs. mom fashion

OPINION

From the moment he was born, my son has been better dressed than me. He went home from the hospital in a brand new cotton onesie with yellow giraffes on it. I wore old pyjamas bottoms and one of my husband’s baggy T-shirts. And that was only the beginning.

I would venture that on any given day, the kid’s ensemble is much more coordinated, on trend and fun — not to mention better fitting — than my own. It’s just one more thing, along with sleeping whenever they want, eating whenever they want and generally just doing whatever they want all of the time, that babies have the upper hand on.

Take, for instance, the fact that baby clothes often come in matching sets. These ready-made outfits come with pants, tops, sweaters, socks, hats, sometimes even matching bibs. Insta-style for the (red) playroom carpet. Wouldn’t it be great if grown-up clothes were sold this way? Instead, we are like hunter-gatherers, searching for a shirt here, a pair of pants there, mostly operating out of pure survival mode, seeking comfort and economy over style.

I often find myself eyeing up my son’s clothes with envy. He has a navy, knitted sweater with little tortoise-shell toggles that I particularly covet. And don’t get me started on the cozy fleece onesie pyjamas he has, plus the fact that he can get away with wearing them all day long without being called a slob. He possesses many articles of clothing that would vastly improve my quality of life, such as his one piece “muddy-buddy” for rainy days, his cozy “sleep-sack” (essentially a sleeping bag with arm holes), and all his velcro shoes. Screw laces.

The bib action these days is pretty hot as well. They are reversible, with great patterns and various designs including some with hard plastic spill pockets for particularly messy dishes. The only adult I know who needs one more than me is my husband (his tomato sauce-stained dress shirts would surely thank him).

I’m also envious of all the handmade clothing babies get: crocheted sweaters with quaint buttons, knitted toques and stretchy “grow-with-me” pants. I mean, babies don’t even appreciate these treasures.

And here’s another thing: the infant version of almost any article of clothing is consistently more adorable than the adult version. Take baby sweatpants versus adult sweatpants as an example. The former are positively delightful, the latter are kind of sad and most likely lying lifelessly on the floor of your bedroom. Baby crocs versus adult crocs? No contest there. Try this test with any garment and I’m sure you will agree that baby clothes are statistically cuter than the adult version.

Baby clothes always fit just right and are sold in handy sizing increments like 0-6 months. This essentially means that twice a year, your baby gets a whole new wardrobe! Who among us adults wouldn’t like to overhaul their closet every six months? I know I would.

Babies also get to do clothing swaps all the time, and the items are often gently used because the other infants only used them for the one week they fit. God, I would love it if someone dropped by my house every month with a box of free clothes to accommodate my changing body.

As if I didn’t already know he is way better dressed than I am, whenever we go out the flood of compliments he receives are glaring reminders. “Look at your lovely little sweater,” they’ll say. “Those jeans are so stylish.” And it’s true. He looks like a rockstar. I mean, he even has ripped jeans and converse sneakers. It’s just not fair.

The irony of course is he doesn’t even know how good he looks, and would probably rather be naked anyways.

— Charlotte Helston gave birth to her first child, a rambunctious little boy, in the spring of 2021. Yo Mama is her weekly reflection on the wild, exhilarating, beautiful, messy, awe-inspiring journey of parenthood.

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