YO MAMA: My toddler makes me feel like a customer service agent

The other night, my one-year-old son lost his mind because I wouldn’t give him the toothpaste container during tooth-brushing time (he likes to squeeze out the paste.)

As is so often the case these days with his newly discovered temper tantrums, I couldn’t help but find the whole thing hysterically funny. Like, seriously little man, life is going to get so much harder than not being allowed to squeeze toothpaste out all over the floor.

As I attempted to reason with him and calmly explain that we needed to brush his teeth, I realized our exchange sounded a bit like a 1-800-customer service call. Below, with some slight embellishments (including a translation of baby talk into English), is a transcript of that call:

Baby: FINALLY! You wouldn’t believe the wait to get through today. Now, I’ll get straight to it, I am experiencing technical difficulties with this toothpaste container.

Parent: I apologize for the wait. What seems to be the problem?

Baby: Well, it’s very simple. I desire unrestricted access to the container.

Parent: Why?

Baby: For the purposes of scientific exploration! I must see how it works. Squeeze it, feel it. Maybe put it in my eye. Who knows where the experiment will take me.

Parent: I am sorry, sir, that is not possible.

Baby: EXCUSE ME? Not possible?

Parent: Please calm down, sir.

Baby: I will not calm down. This is absolutely ludicrous. I need that container immediately. My seminal work on gels depends on it!

Parent: Again, I apologize for the inconvenience, but this is simply not an option.

Baby: Put your manager on the phone.

Parent 1: Sir, I am the manager.

Baby becomes irate.

Baby: Look, I can see we aren’t getting anywhere. Is there anybody there who speaks Baby? I think we are having a communication breakdown.

Parent: Let me get your father.

Parent 2: Hello young sir, I hear we are having some issues with your toothpaste container, is that right?

Baby: Yes, well, that’s a bit of an understatement. This has been incredibly frustrating. You see, if you just authorize my full and unfettered access to the tube I’ll be on my way.

Parent 2: Unfortunately, we cannot make that authorization. You see, humans of your… limited intellectual capacity and undeveloped fine motor skills are not permitted to handle the toothpaste container. I mean, the consequences would be disastrous! Imagine, toothpaste on the floor, giant dollops of fluoride in your mouth.

Baby: LIMITED INTELLECTUAL CAPACITY AND UNDEVELOPED FINE MOTOR SKILLS?! You, sir, are an ignoramus. Put the other one back on.

Parent 1: I knew you’d make this worse.

Baby mutters insults under his breath and begins scaling the bathroom counter in pursuit of the toothpaste container.

Parent 1 nudges it just out of reach.

Baby: Look, I know you are paid very little —

Parent 1: Actually, sir, we are not paid at all.

Baby: Yes, yes, but you chose this career, didn’t you? Now, as I was saying, I realize you receive no compensation for feeding me, bathing me, wiping my dirty bottom and all of that, but you really do adore me. Don’t you want me to be happy?

Parent 1: Yes, of course. But rules are rules. Try back in another few years and we’ll see about upgrading you to the full toothpaste package.

Baby is now totally belligerent and begins kicking and screaming.

Parent 1: Would a limited, one time offer of playing with the TV remote make things better?

A stillness falls upon the bathroom. The only sound is the slow drip, drip, drip of the tap. Baby tilts his head in consideration.

Baby: Yes, I find that satisfactory.

— Charlotte Helston gave birth to her first child, a rambunctious little boy, in the spring of 2021. Yo Mama is her weekly reflection on the wild, exhilarating, beautiful, messy, awe-inspiring journey of parenthood.

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