Author Alison Wearing writes ‘Confessions of a Fairy’s Daughter’ memoir

TORONTO – Writer Alison Wearing was 12 when she learned her father was gay. She was sitting in her family kitchen in Peterborough, Ont., when her mother was unloading the dishwasher and broke the news to her.

It was a bombshell that had only dropped on her mother just a few months prior, when she found a love letter her husband had written to a man he was having an affair with — on their son’s ninth birthday.

“My dad had been on sabbatical in Germany and he had come back and he was just sort of (acting) funny and she said he was preoccupied with this letter,” the author of the newly released memoir “Confessions of a Fairy’s Daughter” said in a recent interview.

“He was sitting outside in the backyard just writing this letter, writing frantically, and after he went out, she went and found the letter and that’s how she found out.”

As “Confessions of a Fairy’s Daughter: Growing Up with a Gay Dad” (Alfred A. Knopf Canada) explains, Wearing understands why her father had to deceive them.

After all, it was 1980 and homosexuality was still taboo. Coming out could have meant he would never see their three children again.

“She would have had legal support for that position at that time, so I can understand him (thinking), ‘Maybe tomorrow, or maybe next week I’ll tell her. Maybe once I get back from sabbatical,’” said Wearing, who lives in Stratford, Ont.

“I can understand why that just never happened for him. He never found the right time.”

Wearing writes in a poetic, humorous and heartfelt style about her now-77-year-old dad Joe, her family and herself. She changed most of the names in the book for privacy reasons.

Her mom was a marathon runner and concert pianist while her dad was a professor of political science who loved to cook, garden and conduct choirs. He was also a devoted Liberal and big fan of Pierre Trudeau, who — as Wearing touches on in the book — befriended her in the last 10 years of his life.

Wearing’s parents had great respect for each other and never fought. She and her brothers felt everything was fine between them, even when their dad began spending more time away from home.

“The thing is, my dad wasn’t miserable at home,” said Wearing, whose first book was the travel memoir “Honeymoon in Purdah: An Iranian Journey.”

“We had a pretty great life. We had a lot of fun and there was a lot of love in my family. It just wasn’t the traditional heterosexual kind of love.

“But in many ways it was a lot healthier than what a lot of my friends were dealing with in their lovely heterosexual families.”

When her dad began secretly exploring his homosexuality, he went to gay conferences, night clubs and Gay Fathers of Toronto meetings. And he had trysts with everyone from a postman to a Roman Catholic priest to actor-director Richard Monette, who became artistic director of the Stratford Festival.

Toronto police were raiding gay bath houses around that time, and Wearing writes about that as well as the history of gay culture.

When Wearing’s father came out to his family, she only told one friend and never quite felt like she belonged in their community.

Still, she enjoyed hanging out with her father’s gay friends.

The book stems from Wearing’s one-woman show, “Confessions of a Fairy’s Daughter,” which debuted in March 2011 in Mexico, where she was living at the time.

Her father and his partner attended opening night, and although he “felt quite embarrassed” that his private life had been made very public, he was heartened by the reaction.

“He was just approached by person after person after person after person, who not only congratulated him and said how inspiring his story was for them, but who then were really interested in telling my father about their lives,” said Wearing.

“So suddenly the focus was not on him at all, actually. His story … resonated with other people.”

Wearing said the book “just poured out so easily and … was so incredibly pleasurable to write.”

But after penning the first 150 pages, it didn’t feel complete.

When she told that to her dad, he went into his basement and brought up a box she never knew existed — one filled with his personal letters, journals and scraps of paper, as well as newspaper clippings concerning homosexuality.

Thus spawned Part 2 of the book, “The Way He Saw It,” which features excerpts from material in the box.

Through Wearing’s father’s own words, readers learn how he grappled with wanting to come out to his family, and wished there was “a magical pill” he could take that would make him straight.

His letters and journal entries also touch on his relationships, including the one with Monette.

Wearing said her dad, who has been with the same partner for more than 30 years, was OK with her including such names in the book.

“It wasn’t until the book actually got bound that I think he started to realize, ‘A lot of people can read these journals,’” she added. “But he also has said to me, when he reads it, he’s reading about a different person because he’s no longer that guy.

“He’s 77 and I think he feels this story is no longer about him. This is a story for everybody who follows and so he’s willing to sacrifice some privacy for a greater good.”

Wearing devoted Part 3 of the book to her mother’s side of the story.

She said she was worried when she sent the final copy to her, as it contained information about her father that her mother might not have previously known, and Wearing told her she wouldn’t be offended if she didn’t want to read it.

“They’ve really become — can I say friends? No. I can say they now have a fond relationship whereas before it was strained, and I didn’t want to put that in jeopardy.”

But her mother told her she “thought it was a really beautiful book and that she thinks we all have something to learn from it and grow through it,” she said.

“She thought it was an amazing accomplishment for me and she was so happy to see me able to write about my life so freely, because she knows it’s been a series of openings for me over the years and that just to finally say, ‘Pfff, here it all is,’ it’s a tremendous relief.”

Wearing plans to tour her stage show “Confessions of a Fairy’s Daughter” starting May 16 at the Stratford SpringWorks Festival.