PARKER: In defence of the muffin top
This morning I ate a lemon cranberry scone from Starbucks.
Now, I have undoubtedly admitted way worse things on the Internet before, but even typing those words out makes me feel morbidly ashamed.
You see, in a grandiose attempt to become Victoria’s Secret ready for the interior’s blazing inferno summer season, I made the call last week to give up carbs. And if that first sentence is any indication, I have already failed miserably.
I don’t even like Starbucks lemon cranberry scones — they hurt my sweet tooth and make me drool in effect — but I guess I was all “meh, what’s another day of jiggle.”
There is a slight chance — and I’m not sure I’m ready to even say this out loud yet — there is a slight chance that I kind of, sort of, maybe don’t really mind my muffin top anymore.
Of course I wouldn’t say that to you if I was standing in between my boyfriend and Gisele Bundchen, but right now, while it’s still cool enough to wear pea coats and my boyfriend isn’t Tom Brady (shoot), I’m enjoying the fact I can eat a doughnut or four every time my stress levels peak above average and not feel bad about it.
You just don’t enjoy doughnuts the same way if you’re skinny. Something about them having the average woman’s daily intake of fat in one bite or whatever. Plus, it seems to me Marilyn Monroe never passed on the champagne and cupcakes and she still bagged JFK in his prime.
I know there’s still some time to go before the panic really sets in, but the moment is coming.
All of the sudden you’ll realize it’s boating weather and the only bathing suit that fits you is the stretched out six dollar one you had to buy at Walgreens that summer your family flew to California and your luggage missed the plane.
Then you’ll refuse to be featured on anyone’s Instagram and you’ll be that awkward blob in the back who looks like she wasn’t really invited on the boat and just showed up for the cooler full of Palm Bays.
Yeah, you could say I’ve been there.
The thing is, I’m kind of over it — the whole “oh, it’s summer, let’s starve!” trend. I’d like to start some sort of movement that encourages women to bulk up for summer like men do.
Winter is hard on our bodies— our skin dries up like drops of water on a curling iron, our vitamin D plummets, our hair breaks, our lips chap, our moods swing like chimps from a jungle gym (sorry, I’m having an off analogy day) and we have to work extra hard to motivate ourselves.
What is it about coming out of that freezing cold black hole that makes women of all ages shout, “Ready? Set! PALEO/SOUTH BEACH/GLUTEN FREE/NO SUGAR/ MASTER CLEANSE!”
I’ll tell you what I want to shout coming out of this long-ass winter.
HELLO, BEN AND JERRY!
Which is precisely why I’ve come up with a defense strategy.
In case of emergency, this muffin top can be used to thwart off ridiculous suggestions to go hiking in 40 degree weather, as an extra pillow when your significant other forgets his on your annual camping trip, and — in the case that any one sends a judgmental look your way while out on the lake — as a floatation devise.
Who’ll be laughing then, huh?
— Andria is a twenty-something blogger living in Kamloops with her 100 pairs of heels and 200 paperback Penguin Classics.
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2 responses
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When I read this the first time, I thought to myself “Hey, I understand where she is coming from, those types of food are women’s worst enemies…”, but as I read it the second and third time that understanding changed. It isn’t just about staying away from the wrong food items i.e. sugar, carbohydrates, fat, and everything that is deemed horrible for the human body, it should be about moderation of those foods so one does not end up binge eating which is harmful in more than one way (physically and mentally).This should apply to not only women, but also men in regards to being able to choose what they like, when they like. I understand the pressure that is placed upon women in our society to look like “Gisele Budchen”, but men are also under constant pressure to look like “Tom Brady”. Is it even possible to create a society that disregards the epitome of beauty and success to be a size 2 model/ actress, or, a muscular quarter-back who both earn upwards of a few million a year, probably not.I am not trying to discredit Andria by any means, Ijust do not like seeing an article that references females or males to “blobs in the back who look like she[/he] wasnt really invited on the boat”. I understand it is coming from a satire point of view, but it seems to be not a humanistic thing to say because that person may choose to eat a lemon-cranberry scone, or, a doughnut, or, anything deemed fat inducing. No one should be made to feel bad about their life decisions, as long as they are not harming themselves or others.
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