The heart-breaking reason this nine-year-old boy quit hockey
"TO WIN AS A TEAM AND LOSE AS A TEAM IS A PRICELESS CONCEPT THAT SHOULD BE CHERISHED AND VALUED MORE THAN WINNING AT ALL COST"
KELOWNA – A young hockey player made a heart-breaking decision to quit his hockey team with only two games left in the season and his father’s written reasons for him leaving may leave you shaking your head… or reaching for a tissue.
Yannick Lescarbeau wrote an open letter to everyone on his son Sam’s team explaining his decision. He didn’t attack anyone and he didn’t try to cause trouble. Instead he expressed his appreciation for the coaches and remained supportive because in many ways, it appears Sam loved being a member of the West Kelowna Knights.
”He has fully embraced the Knights, made serious new friendships and he had so much fun with each and every kid on that team,” Yannick wrote. “After the first practice, Sam said to me in the car with a big smile… ‘Dad, I think I am fitting in with those guys.”
The Lescarbeaus don’t take quitting lightly, he wrote, but he explained why it was acceptable this time, given the circumstances.
“It was important to share why Sam and I decided to leave the team,” Lescarbeau wrote. "Like every nine-year-old on that team, Sam dreams and lives hockey, and when hockey is no longer fun, when you find yourself crying on the bench because as a nine-year-old, you have only played two shifts in the game, no matter how important that game is… it is time to have a talk with yourself and re-evaluate why we do this.”
“On the ice and on the bench, Sam no longer felt part of the team and it was really sad to see him crying in the middle of the bench with his gloves off when he watched the same kids over and over on the ice. Too often this season, I saw players with sad faces or crying on the bench and looking at me with their small eyes and disappointed little faces to see if we were going to put them back on the ice. Too many times on the drive home, my son asked me, 'Dad, I thought I played hard today, why did I not play in the third period.'"
Lescarbeau emphasized he has no personality conflict with the coaches of the Westside Knights although he clearly disagrees with their coaching style.
"When the fun is no longer present, there is no good reason to continue the pain, and we reached that point too often this year, and in my opinion, too many times when the situation was not warranted,” he wrote. "As a hockey dad, as a coach, to win as a team and lose as a team is a priceless concept that should be cherished and valued more than winning at all cost with only a few (players). This year’s Knights philosophy is clearly not for us. This was not a personality conflict with the coach, but rather a hockey philosophy difference.”
A parent of another Knights player, who asked not to be named, said he agreed with the reasoning.
“At that age, if your kid’s crying on the bench with no feedback from the coach about what he did wrong, then something’s not right,” said the parent.
The Knights of West Kelowna are a spring hockey club described as a developmental hockey program for young players from the local area.
Attempts to reach Lescarbeau for an interview were unsuccessful.
EDITOR'S NOTE: We published a follow up story May 8. Things are looking up for Sam. Read that story here.
To contact the reporter for this story, email John McDonald at jmcdonald@infonews.ca or call 250-808-0143. To contact the editor, email mjones@infonews.ca or call 250-718-2724.
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57 responses
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I remember when my son was in novice and we attended a tournament across the border.We had an awesome coach as well as a very skill varied team.His philosophy was everyone try to get a point (goal or assist) so pass, pass, pass.Well, it was the last game (final) and little Mike (1st year player) hadn’t gotten a point the whole series so that game, all the kids fed Mike passes so he could try and get a point.Needless to say, he finally got a point and the look on his face was priceless.So much joy and the rest of the team, even at that age couldn’t be happier
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Time should be alloted based on effort. Rewarding everyone for showing up creates an environment that rewards mediocrity.
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This poor little guy.What’s a matter with these dad’s…when did winning mean more than hurting a child and making him feel worthless.They should be ashamed of themselves.
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If the issue was the kid not paying attention then it is the coach’s job to discuss it with him. Not sit him on the bench until he is in tears. Coaching kids’ hockey is about teaching and developing not punishing and ignoring.
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This makes me so sad. A sport should never be purely about winning and losing – it should be about teaching the basics and giving ALL team members an equal opportunity to play. The game is about having fun, learning about teamwork and improving skills. I’d rather see a team lose every single game, yet have every child playing, than making winning the “be all and end all”. I think Sam make the right choice, but it’s too bad it was made for those reasons. Shame on The Knights of West Kelowna – if you’re a developmental hockey program, then you’d better start developing EVERY player, not just the ones you think have talent.
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Nothing like setting a child up with issues regarding sports that will carry with them through out their entire life well into being an adult ! Shame on those coaches !!!
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The problem as I see it, is this father is taking the high road, saying “he has no personality conflict with the coach” which is a testimonial to his character, but parents are not only letting this weak excuse for a coach off the hook but the entireWest Kelowna hockey organization looses all credibility This damage can be irreversible to a child’s self esteem. To get his coaching level he would have had to attend a coaching clinic as we all did and the first thing they emphasize is at no time do you do this. Some adults egos are pathetic and they need to be brought to task this story infuriates me to no end!
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I think the coaches have forgotten what it was like to be 9 years old.. Try remembering once again Coach and be fair in all you do. This boy could go on to become a mighty warrior in his own right…But thank you for coaching and doing your part, just be fair..
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I am a coach of Atom Kids (8-9 year olds)- boys team with two girls on the team….We had 13 skaters to start the season and 13 skaters to finish…and 12 for our year end celebration (couldn’t quite work out everything).Other teams shortened their benches in some close games or made sure their best skaters were on every other shift…any kid wanting to play defence on our team had the chance (12 did).Every kid had a chance to play forward and most even scored at least one (12 did).For C level (house)- even Hockey Canada dictates that it is all about skill development and equal play.For the Rep teams- same rules still apply at that age- although a bench will often be shortened at the end of close games.Not sure what the expectations are for the Spring “Development Team”.However for a coach to not have that discussion with the families before the season started…unexplainable.Also to let any child at a game go through what is in this picture…unacceptable.Coaches are usually volunteers at some level…I hope this parent sent a copy of this letter to the association so that the Executive becomes aware of the situation and at least addresses the concerns.Yannick- take a bit of a break and then get back on that horse again.The fun is there and you experienced.Find the fun again and play on a team with the goal of a fun season.
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Back in 1989 I was Coaching a 13-14 yr. old baseball team. I told my 2 Assistants that we will self evaluate at the end of the year. The evaluation will be based on how much our right fielder (weakest player on the team) has improve. We still coached the stronger players but paid a lot of attention to this boy. We had a great year with lots of fun. The boy in question ended up having a great year with a smile on his face. I doubt very much if I could coach in the current environment of win, win, win.
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Not the kids taking fun out of the sport…..it is adults pushing competitive to the hilt. Let kids be kids……they only get one shot at it.
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This happened this year during regular season in our novice division. It was suppose to be fun and about all the kids learning the fundamentals of hockey but some of the coaches were more interested in teaching their spring hockey kids then all the kids on their team. It was really sad.
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I think parents need to know what the team’s philosophy is before going into spring hockey. Questions should be asked like is there equal ice?Are there penalty kill lines and power play lines.What reasons would coaches bench a child? These are all questions that parents should ask before going into spring hockey and especially if you feel your child may be out skilled by most of the other players.Also check out about parent coaches as well.Talk to people get references.Try a team with a governing body like the Okanagan All Stars so that you have someone to field questions and complaints to if you do not feel comfortable going to a coach.Spring hockey can be a fun and rewarding experience, an opportunity to get different coaching and meet new players but you have to check to see what you are getting into so there are no or few surprises.Also I have not heard the coaches side of the story so I think it is a bit unfair to make judgements based on one side.I would ask Info tel news to please get their side of the story.It may not be all what it seems and yes spring hockey is not for everyone and there are other ways to keep skills up and that is through the many great camps around the Okanagan and they don’t have to be expensive. Try AK Hockey or Okanagan All Stars to name a few that have many regular mini camps over the spring and summer season that don’t cost a fortune.
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Stories like this hit close to home.I watched as my son worked his way through the soccer leagues in the Fraser Valley, sometimes playing limited amounts as well.Today, he’s a young man who coaches teen girls and his one emphasis is playing ALL the members of his team.Being part of a house league, he wants to be fair instead of win at all costs.It has meant that a parent or two get angry with him for not putting the best team on the field all the time, but he sticks to his guns as he truly believes in sportsmanship.I was never prouder than one day when the visiting team arrived one short.In an effort to be fair, he played one short as well, rotating his players as often as he could.He may not win all the time (although they did win the championship one year) but his sportsmanship and teaching fair play far outweighs the scoreboard.In years to come, those kids won’t remember if they beat a certain team or not.What they will remember is if they had fun… or didn’t.And my son ensures that they remember the right thing.He’s a good man.
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I used to coach High School Rugby, Girls squad. I asked one girl why she came to rugby. ” You never cut anyone”.We were only supposed to have 35 players on the squad but some years we had over 70. All theSchools had more players than the School board had dictated, as volunteer coaches we all agreed to ignore that rule.Every player got at least one quarter in every game if they played hard they got another quarter in the last quarter the best players of the day were on the field. But we never had any bench warmers.
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On the bright side, he learned how to sit together with his father, discuss his experience and make a very difficult decision based on principles they both understand and live by.That’s a great thing, too.
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What coaches, parents and society NEEDS to realize is that as coaches for young kids on developmental teams – it is our DUTY to keep it fun for all.In the end – how many of these kids are going to THE SHOW? How many will go to college or university hockey? Or play Jr or semi pro?Not many…our job as coaches is to teach them skills – but not only hockey skills – LIFE skills.Too many youngsters are quitting this game we love cause somebody wants to win a little too much.Very sad
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Sad to say that Spring Hockey is Renegade Hockey and as such does not adhere to the rules of BCAHA or CAHA. Competitive teams are made by parents to go to u sanctioned tournaments where winning is above all else it is sad. The MTHL (Metro Toronto Hockey League) banned games against renegade teams years ago, since the hockey is not affiliated with organized hockey suspensions and discipline are non existent. I was heavily involved in this hockey and every year would sign my Canadian players to carded USA hockey memberships for the summer, along with a few Russian/ InternationalPlayers. Looking back as crazy as it sounded we had a lot of fun the team was 100 percent sponsored ie, hotels, airfare, food, and we played everyone as fairly as possible. I believe that it is a coaches primary objective to find a way to make all players feel that they contributed to the team, winning should be further down the line.
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I was thrown into a coaching a position when the coach and assistant coach quit. Having a meeting on how the team was to be ran had to be agreed on by both parents and players. I let the players state who and why they wanted as Captain and Assistant’s. But I had the final say and chose the smallest and(for lack of better words) less talented player. He had drive and always trying to better himself.The team helped him become a better player. They learned how to have fun and yes we lost most of the games, with fewer penalties. One game we lost 21-1 with one penalty (tripping by our Captain because he didn’t want them to score again).Throughout the year they saw that to be a team everyone has to play. They had to play to each others strength and help those that were not as strong. In the end we all had fun knowing we each had a part in the season. I say “do not quit the sport you like playing, find a better team (more fun) to play with”.
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Hi Sam, don’t give up on hockey – you loved it once, you can love it again!Have your Dad ask around for a good, fair, and fun coach.They do exist, in fact, there are lots of them!Try house hockey even, where the environment is less competitive and more about having fun, while still developing the players, yet being competitive to a point!I’m also a coach, and this not only breaks my heart but embarrasses me for the hockey community and our coaches.I am also astounded that the coaches did not reach out, and make amends to have Sam play (not sit) the last games.Again, I encourage Sam to try hockey again.When you find the right coaches and team, you’ll know because you’ll be smiling again!
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And it goes beyond just coaches or parents berating their kids, or fighting other parents or other coaches.You’re starting to see things that are even worse.There have been documented cases in the U.S. where parents’of teenage baseball player have come to surgeons and asked that they perform Tommy John surgery on their son.But this isn’t about kids who have injured their elbow-these parents want a surgeon to cut open a HEALTHY teenager to perform the surgery, because they’ve heard that,after they’re healed and rehab their arm, many TJ patients can throw harder, and get more break on off-speed pitches.THINK ABOUT THAT! You’re have so many unrealistic $$$$ dancing in your head that you’re willing to make a child go through surgery, and the pain of healing and rehab-but not for him, but, in essence, for you!All of this is just insanity.
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It isn’t just coaches, and it isn’t all coaches.And it isn’t just parents, or al parents. It’s a segment of both who try to live out their failed dream of making it themselves, and hoping Junior can be one of the 1 in a million to make it to the pro’s, and then take it out on the child if they don’t measure up.
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The biggest problem in youth sports are the adults: parents who get $$$ in their eyes thinking Junior will be a pro and let them retire young; parents who never made it in their sport, and take their frustrations out on their child, or the coach, or referees, and make life miserable for everyone; coaches who don’t let the kids enjoy the game and participate because of this insane, pathological drive, to, as “Andy” from the movie “The Breakfast Club” says, “WIN! WIN! WIN!”.We’ve all seen videos of foul-mouthed parents who cuss out a coach or ref, or, even worse, their own young child for not being the best; or coaches who teach kids to play dirty or to take it way too seriously.It’s horrific.I loved playing sports-played basketball in the Jr. High level, Hot Stove baseball when I was even younger, and always liked a pick-up game of football.But I was short, slow, and not very athletic.I got 3 hits in 6 years in baseball!:)I didn’t have the instinctual presence on the court to be good at anything but shooting; and was never big enough for football. But my parents LET ME ENJOY PLAYING, as did all my coaches, and it’s why I still love sports today.If we could only reprogram society to realize that demanding perfection from 10 year olds at anything, and berating them for not living up to a bar set way too high, is a detriment to everyone.
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Nelson does something similar at our Pee Wee level this year, bringing in players for the final games, benching players that played all year, to win the league banner.They entered play off’s in 7th place with their regular crew!It was horrible to watch!
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shame on you coaches , this is just a nine year old little boy and this is what you are teaching , how to become bully’s and poor sportmenship , isn’t it about how to have fun and getting along with the team and enjoying hockey,.
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Wow, finally someone says something, and we have put so much emphasis on winning that we forgot how to enjoy the game.As youth there is way more than winningbut learning how to score….and how toplay the game… Maybe they should have a rule where each kid has so much time on the ice or he field … The have rules around rage, and for the same reason maybe we should consider that every parent pays for their kid to play… So why shouldn’t they pay….
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To the coaches who allowed this to happen to this BOY, Congrats! No one will remember the wins and loses in a couple of years time, but this boy will NEVER forget what you did to him. Great coaches see that player development is often as personal as a fingerprint, each child will develop differently and in their own time. But to the jerks, yes there’s more than one here. You are NOT coaches, you are doing what is easy instead of what is right. Was it easy for you to see a boy crying on your bench and do nothing.Wake up and take a real look at yourselves.
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This father is actually teaching his son a really good character-building life lesson – to stand up for what is right and speak up for others. It isn’t at all about him “quitting.”God Bless them both – men of integrity.
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9 years old! That’s pond hockey age for goodness sake! Every kid should be out on that ice having the time of their lives. It’s no time to decide who’s going to be in the NHL.
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This is a house league. A fun league where every player is “supposed” to have equal ice time. Hockey Politics I am often told voicing my concerns. You’ll know if you’re not in with the coaches kid or one of his friends. Ice time will definitely reflect on your child if there is conflict
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Well done Kelowna Knights!You have won a game but have lost the season.The goal of every coach should be to get that player to want to play next season.This story makes me want to barf.
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Maybe these coaches should read Bobby Orrs book, they might learn something about kids and hockey!
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I coach soccer and was a referee. Saw the exact same thing, parents forgetting that it’s a game – especially as a referee who was 15 when I was spat at. Glad you have kept the faith Patty-Jo and reminded the kids that we do it for hte kids to have fun, not the parents.
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I can see teams playing their best to accomplish a win, but come on, at the age of nine every team member should be given equal ice time, no matter what their skill level is. Those coaches should re-evaluate their methods and make some serious adjustments to include all team members, shame on you adults for this discrepancy in ice time, do not blame him for quitting and good on his dad for making why he is quitting very clear.
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Great post – those parents who are calling about not winning need to be reminded why their kids are in sports. It’s about development and kids can learn lots from not winning and while not winning.
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Having been involved with minor hockey executive fo ten years, I can relate to this little guy. The coaches and I am aware they volunteer, but some volunteer their time so their child gets ice time or a rep team so their boy can make. These are only nine years old I seen the same look in my sons , if I knew then I would have done the same the spring league is developmental , just that kids should not have to ride the pine in that type of league. I would contacting your minor hockey association and see if it is sanctioned by them and BCHL. This is not a rep team so teach the fundamentals and stop sitting kids.
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This is so sad but we’ve been there. Having said that my son continues to play hockey in the house league, not rep or spring.He also joined football where I witnessed great sportsmanship from the coaching staff and the players last season. We are a small town. We lose every game but last year after a 60something to 2 loss, getting our first conversion in 2 years, watching my son carrying the ball for the first time, etc… the players left the field with the biggest smile and said that was the most fun game ever! I know that with great coaching and a philosophy that matches ours, my son will continue to enjoy sports.
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My gosh, the adults of our society really, really need to give their heads a shake.The deterioration of doing what’s right is becoming downright scary and looks to be an epidemic.Here is one more example.Quite frankly as I watch the kids and the teenagers of this generation I see more common sense being practiced, more compassion for others being extended, more generosity of themselves being bestowed and more concern about each other and the environment than most adults.Meanwhile, among adults, the greedy just keep getting greedier, the self righteous just keep becoming more self righteous, the judgmental keep judging others more harshly and the bullies just keep ramping up their bullying and to boot many of them are in leadership positions of one manner or another.And then we wonder how to fix the problems of the day.Well folks it all begins with the one looking back in the mirror and the kids are showing all of us that loud and clear.
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A real good coach knows that winning while playing everybody is the most rewarding. I can bet the player that plays the most is the coaches son. he would be the first person screaming if his kid missed a shift. Unfortunately the parents of the 4-5 better players usually pick the coach & they want somebody that will play their kid & sit others out. Encourage your son to get on another team, good coaches are hard to find, but there are some out there.
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as kids hockey is just pure passion and fun, a way to embrace the sport they like. for them there is but so little competition, all they want is to play…please coaches stop thinking that a 9 year old is Sydney Crosby maybe… but that can wait a few more years….just let them all play….win or not.
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I coached minor baseball. I had parents phoning me up complaining that we never won. I asked if they wanted to show up and help at practise and no one came. My favorite memory was the boy who didn’t have a hit all season. Bottom of the ninth, bases loaded 2 outs and we could win the game…… He swings and hits the ball! It goes left to the short-stop. Runner out at third base. My whole team cleared the bench whoopin’ and a hollering, louder than the team that just won. One kid on the other team comes over and says, “You know you lost the game, right?” One of my guys just looks at him and says, “Who cares! Mike got a hit!”
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I heard about this this weekend at a hockey tournament and it broke my heart.These kids are at the prime ages of building confidence, character, commitment, friendships, learning teamwork, learning how to deal with defeat and the excitement of winning but also learning how and where they belong.Incidents like this where it is not the goal of the coaches (who should be treating this position as a PRIVILEGE)to “DEVELOP THEIR TEAM TOGETHER” and only pick out the best all the time in the name of what ever their reasoning is, probably winning? or to look good or impressive is heartbreaking. At this age this is not what it is about…They are not going to the NHL tomorrow.What ever happened to do your best, work hard and lets do this together ~ TEAM.A coach is someone who is looked up to. A coach is someone who believes in each child he teaches and strives to make them better every time they are on the ice.Sam pick yourself back up buddy! You have a good dad! Believe in yourself…work hard… You are needed in this game of hockey and If I was the coach I would be thoroughly embarrassed and would be doing everything possible to fix this situation especially in the life of a young child who feels rejected.NOT FAIR! Poor sportsmanship.
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I appreciate the time and effort that so many parents give to volunteer coaching.These coaches however, do not fit the criteria for coaching this age group and should be removed and provided some training.What a shame.
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Getting your kid to quit with only two games left in the season , sets a very negative precedent, that will effect him, later in life.I KNOW, been there done it. I dropped out of grade 9 TWICE and never finished high school.All through my varied carreer I found it easier & easier to QUIT, when I was “crying those proverbial tears”! As Chief Louis would say “SUCK IT UP” kid and finish the season so you can celebrate the end of the season with Your team mates; finish what you startedand make your future decisions in the off season…..The kid shouldn’t be crying on the bench, regardless if he was played or not.Grant it I had a pitcher on My little league team who cried when we lost games…and he went on to Play Professional Baseball with the Pirates and made zillions of dollars.Being emotional has it;s place Maybe some training in the Martial Arts will give this kid some character training and improve his self worth and maturity.Maybe his Dad needs some “coaching” as well.
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Awe I feel for this boy and any other boy who sat on the bench . If they need to strengthen certain areas , why wouldn’t you say so ? How does one learn ? It’s just like school. If you’rehaving trouble on a subject , you get help ! Where’s the help here ? This is what they love and it was taken away by not helping and parking these boys on the bench . I hope they get the love of hockey backkeep up the good work ! It’s not you .. You gave all your heart into hockey . Don’t let them break you ! Stand tall .
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There needs to be a change at that age level, everyone should play equal time. as a coach to be that uncaring to see a child crying on the bench and do nothing about it. How do you go home and feel good about yourself.
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So sad! Something must be done about the “win at all costs” mentality in sports at this young age.
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Another case of winning at all cost taking precedence over the spirit of playing the game for the fun of the game. Believe it or not even at my 71 years of age I remember this happening to me at the same age. I did finish the year but never played hockey again.
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Whoa, this little guy is 9 years old! Those coaches should be ashamed of themselves. Hockey is for fun. we have a 15 year old in hockey, thankfully most of the coaches he’s had have realized that fact. when the kids choose to go into rep then it’s a different story, those kids are looking for a career in hockey and they’re looking to win. shame, shame on that coach(s)
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