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Opinion
JONESIE: Time to move on from this old house
I suppose it’s a natural evolution but it sure doesn’t feel that way. As families grow, old bits slough off and we have to say good-bye with a For Sale sign. We are moving from our little house, our home for the last 15 years. And since that damn sign went up out front, I’ve...
GOG: How you can help me help you survive this damn flight
I recently had to be somewhere else in a hurry, and the only way of achieving that is, of course, by flying. It’s been a while since I had to travel by aeroplane, and I had forgotten just how dreadful an experience it is. First one must face the ritual humiliation of “security” where in...
LOEWEN: Letter to a younger ‘bro’
'THEY WON'T ADMIT IT; BUT SOME OLD DUDES HATE YOU FOR THIS IN-BORN GENIUS OF YOURS' You've got to get up every morning with a smile on your face And show the world all the love in your heart Then people gonna treat you better You're gonna find, yes, you will That you're beautiful as...
PARKER: I don’t want to grow up
ACCIO, FUTURE! On Thursday afternoon at 4 p.m. on the dot I handed in my last university paper. It only had to be 1,250 words, so — naturally — I wrote 1,000 and included a 300 word title. That’s just the way I do. The first thing I did after handing it in was cry...
EDITOR’S NOTE: All your news at a glance
EDITOR’S NOTE: Our focus each day is gathering and presenting news and information with the greatest impact on your daily life and most often, that comes from local reporters right here in your city. But not always. That’s why we also bring you some of the best reporting in the country through Canadian Press, so...
JONESIE: The trouble with apologies
So yes, I was grumpy. Fine, I admit it. I’d already spent 15 hours of a badly-needed weekend behind the wheel. So there’s that. And my trip was to Calgary and back so needn't say more, right? But so what, big deal. “This isn’t a 'purple truck,'” my wife said. “And it’s not a truck,...
GOG: Aliens? No, they’re far, far worse than that
IT IS ENTIRELY POSSIBLE THAT MAC'S STORES ARE ACTUALLY THE MOTHER-SHIPS
LOEWEN: Exorcising the toxic manager
'TAKE HEART. IF YOU STAND YOUR GROUND, YOU'LL PROBABLY BE FINE.' I ain't gonna work for Maggie's brother no more nah, I ain't gonna work for Maggie's brother no more Well, he hands you a nickel And he hands you a dime And he asks you with a grin If you're havin' a good time...
PARKER: Resisting the call of the freedom marketers
THE COST OF FLOWER CROWNS AND DANCING IN DUST This week on the Internet there are two kinds of people — those who went to Coachella, and those who are bitching about not going to Coachella. It happens every year in April. Music festival season kicks off and hundreds of thousands of soul-seeking, fashion-forward, bohemian-hippy...
JONESIE: Sorting fragile secrets one email at a time
Sorry, Mrs. Lee, I’m not returning your email. Nice try, but you know darn well I didn’t place an order with your shipping company. I won’t be hiring programmers from India, either. No, I don’t need your SEO. I don’t care if he's a Nigerian prince, I am not giving you access to my bank...
GOG: Fine, I’ll go, but I won’t like it
I’ve been invited to a party. I don’t like parties. No one likes parties. Secretly we’d all rather be sitting quietly at home with a glass of Shiraz and Margaret Atwood. But instead we congregate in someone’s ugly kitchen and pretend we’re having fun. It won’t be fun. It will be hell. There will be...
LOEWEN: The Return of The Messiah: The humanities reborn?
'THE MESSIAH MAY HAVE RETURNED. HIS NAME IS HARRISON ARGATOFF.' Well I've been faithful And I've been so good Except for drinking But he knew that I would I'm gonna leave this place better Than the way I found it was And Jesus gonna be here Be here soon (Tom Waits, “Jesus Gonna Be Here”)...
PARKER: When life imitates Instagram
Once, in the middle of a breakup, I had a boyfriend turn to me and say: “This is because I don’t Instagram enough, isn’t it?” To be fair, I’m pretty sure his full thought was something about not being a creative, free-spirit type — and that’s not even why we were breaking up — but...
JONESIE: Just because you can say it, doesn’t mean you should
I must be getting old because I think I’m feeling nostalgic for old rules in the news publishing business. Doesn’t sound like me. Old newspaper rules that make no sense today must fade out, change or die. Publish a submitted news release? For some, sure, why not? Space isn’t a problem and re-writing press releases...
Budget 2014: Time is not money for city councillors
HOW COUNCILLORS SPENT TIME DEBATING BUDGET KAMLOOPS — Councillors spent 75 per cent of this year's budget debating just 15 per cent of expenditures. We know, because we've been tracking the 275 minutes councillors spent publicly debating the city's supplementary budget—their wish list above fixed costs of running the city. We suspected—and confirmed—councillors would spend...
GOG: All these buttons and not a single one for Ovaltine?
This week I decided to take a mad leap into the twentieth century and buy a Radar Range, apparently now known as a 'microwave oven.' All I wanted was a machine to heat my porridge in the morning and my Ovaltine at bedtime. Put the mug in, turn the dial, hit 'Start' and presto, steamy...
LOEWEN: At your service 24/7
I can't wait to get off work and see my baby she'll be waiting up with a magazine for me clean the bathrooms, clean um good oh you're lovin I wish you would come down here and sweepameoffmyfeet this broom'll have to be my baby if I hurry I just might get off before the...
PARKER: In defence of the muffin top
This morning I ate a lemon cranberry scone from Starbucks. Now, I have undoubtedly admitted way worse things on the Internet before, but even typing those words out makes me feel morbidly ashamed. You see, in a grandiose attempt to become Victoria’s Secret ready for the interior’s blazing inferno summer season, I made the call...
EDITOR’S NOTE: Your turn
Last week we promised something different from our columnists, and hopefully you see our commitment to quality. When we find them, we help them. We don’t bury them. And we’ve got room for more. Now it’s your turn. Come and try out for the team. If you’ve got the chops, we want to hear from...
FOERSTER TRIAL: The night Taylor Van Diest was killed
KELOWNA - Taylor Van Diest wasn’t embarrassed to be the teenager who’s too old for trick-or-treating but goes anyway. Halloween was her favourite day of the year, and she wouldn’t miss the chance to dress in costume, this year as a zombie, and go giggling door-to-door with her best friends. She worked hard at her...
Power struggle puts tourism funds in jeopardy
'IMMEASURABLE AND IRREPARABLE HARM' PENTICTON — An estimated $350,000 to $700,000 is sitting in bank accounts doing nothing for tourism while the City of Penticton and Penticton Hospitality Association continue a power struggle that began before they even signed an agreement on tourism tax funds in 2012. And it appears from documents filed in Kelowna...
JONESIE: Don’t let do-gooders hijack distracted drivers
Someone needs to stop the do-gooders. Please. Before it’s too late. They’re gathering their minivans together like locusts, feasting on good sense, forcing politicians to flee like wasteland farmers to Victoria to do something, anything. Because WON’T ANYBODY THINK OF THE CHILDREN? If someone doesn’t rein them in, your days of 'distracted driving' and mine...
GOG: Outta the way, grapefruit head
The snow has melted, the sun shines. Which can only mean any time now the only roads worth driving will be once again clogged with packs of brightly-coloured bicyclists. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not against bicycles. I used to have one myself, rode it everywhere. Before I learned to drive, that is. Of course...
LOEWEN: On Writers
'Cause I gonna make you see There's nobody else here No one like me I'm special so special I gotta have some of your attention give it to me (Chrissie Hynde/Pretenders, “Brass In Pocket”) Writers are, for the most part, a very bad lot. Full stop. The only professionals more egregiously whorish and pimpish than...