THOMPSON: The trials and tribulations of being rich in America

Most of us don’t realize how tough it is to grow up rich in America. That’s right. Anyone can be poor…after all, that’s why there’s so many poor folks. Being poor is as American as baseball and apple pie!

There’s only one way to go on the economic ladder when you’re poor…prosper and become rich. Then, you can suffer with the rest of the idle rich. Probably best to stay poor.

You see, the rich are up against it…they always have been. They give the poor jobs, of course, even though the U.S. federal minimum wage of $7.25 per hour has a real, inflation-adjusted value lower than at any point since February 1956. Still, the rich – always mindful of their duties to the poor – do their best to have Congress in their hip pockets so the poor can stay where they belong…poor…without all the stress.

The poor can’t replace slavery, of course, but the rich muddle through life anyway. After all, the poor – which now includes a huge hunk of what was once the middle-class – pay taxes. You can be earn a billion dollars this year and pay no income taxes…if you’re rich.

The rich rely on a tax code that’s 70,000 pages long…yeah, the poor didn’t demand most of those pages. See, nothing to worry yourself about…all those lawyers and accountants…just send the I.R.S. what they say you owe.

In return, the poor resent the rich for some reason…they practically hate them…jealous of their stature…their, well, wealth…which often is made on the backs of the working poor. The poor can only dream of someday having all the problems of the rich.

You only have to look as far as the Statue of Liberty for proof. Inscribed for all to see…“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free.” See, not a single word about the rich yearning to be free! The deck has long been stacked against the rich.

Look at history…the suffering of those families plagued by wealth…DuPont, Westinghouse, Rockefeller, Carnegie, Vanderbilt. Oh, the humanity.

If you think it’s easy being rich…think again. Take the DuPont Company. The only family member who ever had any fun and happiness was poor Eleuthère Irénée du Pont. He founded the DuPont Company in 1802…made gun powder. That’s when all his problems started. Gun powder killed a lot of poor people…but it made old E.I. duPont and every duPont since rich.

Today, there are more than 3,500 duPont families…all of them rich. They’re so shunned by the public most still live in Delaware…the smallest state…whiling away their days living off the billions of dollars they’re worth. The few who tried to live the good life…being poor, working folks…couldn’t help it and ended up wealthy anyway.

One of the problems of the wealthy, of course, is marriage. You can’t trust poor folks… they always want to marry for money. So, like the du Ponts…it’s best for rich folks to marry someone whose already wealthy…your cousin, for instance.

Let’s face it…the hardships of trying to decide where to stash your wealth to build even greater wealth…takes a toll. It’s downright stressful. Buy an island in the Caribbean…or a vineyard in Napa…c’mon, you think choosing between health insurance and food is hard.

What about vacations? So many places…maybe two big holidays…or even three might make the year more fun. Wait, what are the Joneses doing?

You have none of these worries when you’re poor. That’s why we have public parks. Take a day off…enjoy.

The poor don’t worry about psychiatrist bills…when you’re rich, you have to worry about your sense of purpose…lots of trips to the psychiatrist. When you’re poor you don’t have to think about, “Who are my friends?” If someone wants to hang with you and you’re poor…believe me, they’re a friend.

Rich people have to watch people who want to be friends. Hire a private investigator…are they as rich as you…maybe they just want to take advantage of you? Crap, what’s the cost of treatment for paranoia?

And if you think poor people suffer challenges in raising children…what about the rich? How do you motivate the children of the rich…you think it’s easy to instil a work ethic with kids who have to decide between a Lamborghini and a Ferrari for their first car?

Of course, once you’re rich…you’re saddled with the constant fear of losing your wealth…your stuff. How do you build incredible wealth for your kids? These are the questions that keep the rich up at night.

No, the poor just don’t realize how much good fortunate smiles on them. The rich…let them suffer so you can struggle through life…building character. Then, pass that along to your next generation of poor.

The wealthy advise not to put much faith in those rags-to-riches fairy tales. Sure, it might sound grand not to worry about how you’ll pay next month’s bills…but getting rich just makes life harder.

If they only knew.